Ransomware attacks have been all in the news lately, from the WannaCry infections to Adylkuzz botnet that makes your computer zombie-mine Monero. You feel like you’d like to get a piece of the digital currency ransom pie, but are a complete moron and don’t know where to start. Never fear, this guide is here to provide step-by-step instructions for the none-too-bright wannabe hacker.

1: Ask the NSA for help So you want to use this ransomware to steal a bunch of money, but you can’t get it to work right. Have your co-conspirator call up the manufacturer: the US National Security Agency. Oh, they don’t like what you’re planning on doing with it? Your buddy just got arrested? Oh well, looks like you’ll have to finish the task alone.

2: Demand Zcash Realize it’s too hard to get without first going through Bitcoin, and that most wallets don’t even let you use its privacy features, so it’s basically the same as getting Bitcoin.

2: Demand Monero Oops, no one can figure out how to buy some without first going through Bitcoin, and can’t figure out the wallet.

2: Demand Bitcoin Since it’s relatively simple to find an exchange or service to sell, ask your targets to send Bitcoin. It doesn’t matter that there will be a certain degree of traceability in the transactions, it’s better than nothing.

3: Use a web wallet on an HP laptop Set up a web wallet to receive the ransom money, and access it via your HP laptop. Oops, there was a keylogger hidden there in the audio driver, and another hacker used it to take your identifier and login, and steal your stolen coins.

4: Use a mobile wallet without backing up Ok, no worries, there’s still more ransom money coming in. Set up a mobile wallet which stores the private keys on your device, so you can’t be hacked and lose your stolen coins. Aw man, you dropped your phone in the toilet! Since you didn’t back up your private keys anywhere else, those coins are lost. Better luck next time!

5: Sell what’s left on an exchange Finally, you’ve got a secure cold storage solution for your ransom funds, properly backed up. Now how do you cash out? It’s probably easiest to sell on an online exchange. You should have no problem selling, and there’s absolutely no risk from stolen, traceable funds being linked to an account with your real-world identity. No risk of being caught for the thief you are. Nope, zero.

(In case it wasn’t clear, this article was pure humor, and its contents should not be construed to constitute facts or opinions)